Byzantium

May 7, 2013

Vampires may be immortals whose lives span across centuries but ever since Twilight they have been recast as teenagers, the better to reflect the target audience for Stephenie Meyer’s sparkly suckfest. There have been films that kicked back against this toothless treatment including Jim Mickle’s excellent Stake Land which had feral vampires that were far more animal than human. Neil Jordan’s Byzantium takes a very different approach to Stake Land and despite being centred around a vampire dealing with the emotional turmoil of being a teenager, it is a far cry from Twilight.

Gemma Arterton

Gemma Arterton as Clara

The film concerns two women, Clara (Gemma Arterton) and her daughter Eleanor (Saoirse Ronan). They move from town to town, living on the edges of society. Clara works in the sex industry – sometimes a lap dancer, a prostitute or a madam – always working for cash and leaving no paper trail in her wake. Eleanor struggles with the isolation of their nomadic existence and longs to tell someone their secret – they are hundreds of years old and survive by drinking blood.

When they arrive in the decaying seaside town of Hastings, Clara meets Noel (Daniel Mays), a lonely punter who has inherited a rundown guest house called Byzantium from his late mother. Clara sees the chance to turn the former hotel into a brothel, while Eleanor befriends Frank (Caleb Landry Jones), a local boy who is quickly smitten by her. But Clara’s rules forbid telling their secret or getting emotionally attached to anyone.

Saoirse Ronan

Little Red Riding Hood?

Moira Buffini wrote Byzantium based on her own stage play and her script puts a distinctive spin on the vampire myth. Buffini based her vampires on Irish legends, which gives the whole film a very distinctive feel from more mainstream genre outings plus some stunning locations of wild, raw natural beauty. These women do not possess super-powers. They can’t fly, they are no stronger than anyone else, they can’t transform into bats and they are not allergic to sunlight. The story casts Clara and Eleanor as powerless vampires in the widest social sense. Clara is a prostitute and Eleanor is a teenage schoolgirl. They may be un-aging, but they are simultaneously vulnerable to the predations of anyone stronger and more powerful than they are – which in this instance means men, both human and otherwise.

The male cast members include Jonny Lee Miller as Ruthven, the absolute cad responsible for Clara’s fall from grace, plus Sam Riley and Uri Gavriel as two men looking for Clara with unfriendly intentions. Miller makes a splendid scoundrel. As the lovestruck Frank, Caleb Landry Jones has the awkward gangly manner of a teenager still growing into their own body. None of the male characters are as fully developed or as compelling as Clara and Eleanor, but then this is their story not that of the men.

The Brotherhood

We are so totally judging you.

Byzantium uses the vampire genre to explore how women survive in the face of a hostile patriarchy. Clara’s involvement in the sex trade is one of the most obvious examples, while the organisation pursuing her is The Brotherhood, just to drive the point home.  Fortunately the script doesn’t labour over this theme so heavily as to become a lecture on feminist studies, but you don’t have to dig very hard to find the ideas at work.

Prior to Byzantium, I had only ever seen Gemma Arterton in Quantum Of Solace, in which she was essentially very glamorous window dressing, and in Tamara Drewe, which was far too fluffy for me. I thought she was exceptionally good here. The role demands a lot from her, but she delivers in every scene. Clara is passionate, stubborn and determined to survive using whatever limited means she has at her disposal. Every time they have to move, Clara tells Eleanor to let the past go and just leave it all behind, yet Clara is a woman defined by her past. It colours all her relationships and is constantly breathing down her neck, reminding her of how perilous her life is.

Jonny Lee Miller

You, sir, are a cad, a bounder and a ne’er do well. Pistols at ten paces!

“I am sixteen forever,” says Eleanor, who has been stuck living with her mother for centuries. No wonder she’s going through a rebellious phase. Saoirse Ronan (how on earth do you pronounce her name?) is occasionally lumbered with overly portentous dialogue but she is intensely sympathetic as the teenager desperate to find her own place in the world.

The film has a very measured pace and viewers raised on a diet of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart may struggle to engage with the sombre tone and unhurried direction. But Jordan’s film has substance, two excellent leads and a delightfully morally ambiguous ending.

Thoughts on Valentine’s Day

February 9, 2013

You know friends, as Valentine’s Day approaches it is all too easy to feel cynical about the very notion of love and romance in our modern, celebrity obsessed culture. With people getting married just to generate press coverage, not to mention the continued existence of Kim Kardashian, romance can seem to have no place in our busy lives. For a single person at this time of year, all the talk of love and the search for happiness can seem disheartening and overwhelming. But sometimes I’ll be walking down the street and I’ll see a young couple caught in the first exhilarating throes of their love affair. Arms wrapped around each other, that sparkle in their eyes, whispering sweet nothings as they giggle with delight. And I’ll quietly think to myself, “I hope you both get syphilis.”

 

What Sort Of Heavy Metal Am I Listening To? Part Three

February 4, 2013

Welcome back, my metallic friends, for another insightful exploration of the world’s loudest and least understood form of music. Today’s lesson will examine two of the most difficult to distinguish genres in the metal pantheon – Doom Metal and Stoner Rock. They have much in common with sludgy guitar riffs and grinding tempos but once again, the key to telling these two musical woolly mammoths apart lies in the lyrics. Let us begin.

 

Doom Metal lyric subjects:

There was a witch. She was beautiful but she had evil in her heart. I tried to leave her, but there was no escape.

 

There was a mountain. It was made of iron and mightiness. I tried to climb the mountain but it was evil. There was no escape.

 

There was a wizard. He knew many arcane magics. Unfortunately he was evil. I tried to escape his mystic machinations. There was no escape.

 

There was a gate. It led to Hell. I tried not to go through the gate, but I did because there was no escape.

 

Evil. Evil is everywhere. But not to worry, it’s easy to avoid evil.

 

Totally kidding. There is no escape.

 

Stoner Rock lyric subjects:

Dude, is there any more pot?

 

 

Inappropriate Facebook status #4

January 9, 2013

Take a stand against Kaiju-phobia.

You know, I hear a lot of talk about how dangerous Godzilla is. How he is thirty stories high and breathing fire with his head in the sky. But maybe instead of worrying about how dangerous Godzilla is, people should think before they act. If you don’t want a giant, radioactive dinosaur-type monster to destroy your city, maybe you should make the streets a little wider, so he can get through without smashing all those buildings. And who puts high tension electricity wires all over the place? Anyone could trip over those. It’s a Health And Safety nightmare. And don’t ever get me started on testing atomic weapons under the ocean floor. Poor monster was minding his own business and then – Ka-blooey! No more nap time. No wonder he’s grumpy, woken up suddenly like that. So next time, before you blame a giant monster for destroying Tokyo, think about how he feels. I bet people who don’t care about kaiju won’t share and re-post this message, but people who have a little room in their hearts to love a giant monster will.

Godzilla. It’s not his fault. He was born this way.

Godzilla

Geez, who put all this stuff here? I almost sprained my damn ankle.

US News – Women To Be Returned To Wild

November 7, 2012

Worrying developments in the US today as women across the country have been allowed out of their binders in an experiment to see if they can be safely returned to the wild. One opponent of the scheme, who identified himself as Mitt, said that while he believes in principal that women can exist outside the security of their binders, in practice it is better, tidier and more convenient for everyone if they just stay neatly filed away for future reference. The trial is expected to last for four years.

Inappropriate Facebook status #3

October 15, 2012

Take a stand against Hyperbole!

I bet a lot of the billions of people reading this message won’t know this, but hyperbole affects everyone, all over the world, all of the time. This may be the most serious threat that we, as a species, have ever faced. Our entire way of life hangs in the balance. So for the love of all that is holy, re-post and share this message. Email it to everyone you know who is not on Facebook. Tell your neighbours. Warn elderly relatives. Then seek shelter. If you don’t re-post and share this message, the consequences could very well be quite literally unfathomably terrible.

Hyperbole. It’s much, much worse than anyone ever imagined.

Inappropriate Facebook status #2

October 14, 2012

Take a stand against ennui.
Did you know that ennui affects 9 out of every 10 people who listen to My Chemical Romance’s album The Black Parade more than once a month? And that it affects 10 out of 10 people who own the hardback collector’s edition of Neil Gaiman’s graphic novel Death: The High Cost Of Living? If you care about people suffering from ennui, copy and paste this into your status, then turn off the lights and curl up into a ball. Stay like that until you feel better or until someone comes over. But we both know no one is coming over. Because no one cares. Not really. Not deep down. They don’t feel your anguish. So go right ahead and have a good cry. It’s very cleansing.
Ennui. Don’t suffer in silence. Listen to My Chemical Romance instead.

Inappropriate Facebook status #1

October 13, 2012

Take a stand against passive-aggression.
Did you know that 90% of people on Facebook have experienced passive-aggression at some point in their lives? Do you even care? Because if you did care, you’d re-post this message and share it. But you won’t. That’s fine. Do whatever you want. It’s not like this is a big problem. Just keep on doing whatever it is you’re doing, playing Farmville or something really important like that. No, I’m not upset. I thought maybe, just maybe, you might care. But it’s absolutely fine. Share this, don’t share this. It doesn’t matter to me.
Passive-aggression. No, really, it’s not a big deal. Jerk.

Resident Evil: Retribution – Revenge Of The Franchise

October 5, 2012

I really need to stop going to see these movies. The Resident Evil series has had its ups and downs (all things are relative- the ups aren’t Citizen Kane), but entry number 5 in the series is undeniably a dip (and not in the good way, it’s not tasty salsa). For those of you just joining us, the evil Umbrella Corporation does not in fact make umbrellas. They make biological weapons and when a virus escapes (I’m free! Free at last!) it infects mankind, turning large swathes of the population into zombies and creating an ever growing array of hideous beasties. Leading the battle against both the Umbrella Corporation and the zombies is Alice (Milla Jovovich), and a rotating cast of supporting characters as forgettable as they are expendable.

Retribution gets off to a spirited start, picking up where the last film ended while running the opening scene in reverse. It doesn’t serve any great plot purpose but it looks cool – the guiding principal that steers the entire movie franchise. Then there is a sequence removed from the superheroics in which Alice is a suburban housewife trying to protect her daughter Becky (Aryana Engineer) from the sudden onslaught of flesh-hungry undead. This is far and away the most effective sequence in the entire film series to date and the one in which director and writer Paul W.S. Anderson fully embraces the tropes of the zombie genre. Most of the time, the Resident Evil movies are light on horror, heavy on superhero-style action and eye candy, but the suburban zombie attack is a reminder of what makes a horror series like The Walking Dead so effective. The human characters seem very fragile, terribly vulnerable and desperate in the face of the zombies. For one glorious moment, Resident Evil: Retribution is actually rather good.

This is my damn swing and if I say you can’t have a turn on it, just accept that no means no before someone gets hurt.

But then it’s back to business as usual. Alice returns to her butt-kicking persona complete with fetish-tastic catsuit. The rest of the film never manages to recapture the intensity of the suburban sequence and instead offers a collection of over-long action scenes that prove the law of diminishing returns. There is an extended battle between a group of good guys and a squad of Russian Red Army zombies. The sequence is an unfocused mess with no momentum and no drama, just lots of loud noises and things exploding. The characters in this scene are indistinguishable from one another. I am fairly sure one of them was called Sergei. But I don’t know which one. I think he died.

The previous film, Resident Evil: Afterlife, borrowed shamelessly from The Matrix. Now Retribution fearlessly lifts ideas wholesale from James Cameron’s Aliens as Alice finds a young girl to protect in the Umbrella Corporation’s underground facility. Before you can say, ‘Get away from her, you bitch!’  it’s bonding time for surrogate mother and child and déjà vu time for the audience. It’s such a brazen example of cinematic pilfering that it could be audacious if it wasn’t so unimaginative.

As a side note, it looks like the sign language for ‘I love you’ is the same as the heavy metal gesture for ‘This totally rocks!’

Jill Valentine in Resident Evil: Retribution

For the busy girl about town, combine the impracticality of having nowhere to put your car keys with a design that makes it almost impossible to go to the toilet in under 30 minutes

The outfits are a fanboy’s wet dream. The male characters all wear ordinary clothes or military gear. The girls all wear catsuits or evening gowns. But not classy evening gowns. The kind a stripper might wear at the start of her routine. Ada Wong, played by Li Bing Bing, sports a red dress with a split all the way up to her thigh. Now remember, this girl lives in a world overrun by zombies. Everyone wants to look their best, but this is ridiculous. Director Anderson pays no attention at all to the idea of world building, of constructing a believable environment or backdrop for his story. Otherwise Ada Wong might have thought combat trousers and a sturdy pair of boots better suited for fighting zombies that her sexy red dress and heels. Jill Valentine, played by Sienna Guillory, wears a figure-hugging catsuit with a neckline best described as more plummeting than merely plunging. Oddly enough, none of the other members of her team wears anything remotely similar.

But take heart, Resident Evil fans – Shawn Roberts returns as Albert Wesker and he still can’t act. He even seems to struggle with walking on camera. He looks so stiff it’s like he has a really bad back and is afraid to make any sudden movements. I find myself looking forward to his appearances, he’s that special. If you ever find yourself faced with a challenge that you don’t think you can overcome, just remember that Shawn Roberts has an acting career. If he can manage that, there is nothing you can’t do. Thank you, Shawn. You are an inspiration to all.

What sort of heavy metal am I listening to? Part 2

July 30, 2012

After the first installment of our continuing educational series, ‘What sort of heavy metal am I listening to?’, you should be confidently able to differentiate nu-metal from old school metal, which will hopefully help you avoid any social faux pas in the mosh pit. In part two, we will learn to tell the difference between metalcore and death metal, once again by paying particular attention to the lyrical content of the songs.

 

Metalcore lyric subjects:

No one knows how deeply sensitive I am, despite the fact I am screaming about it as loud as I can.

Our economic system is founded on inequality. I know, right? That sucks!

That girl who broke my heart will never know how deeply I feel the loss of her love, despite the fact that I am screaming about it as loud as I can.

I think the environment is, like, totally important!

Sometimes I don’t feel very positive about myself, but I don’t like to go on about it, despite the fact I am screaming about it as loud as I can.

All this ennui is killing me. Hence the screaming.

 

Death metal lyric subjects:

Satan and why he is awesome.

 

Remember friends, forewarned is forearmed. Print this list out and keep it with you for any situation where you might encounter metal in all its myriad forms.


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