How To Drive Your Man Insane In The Bedroom

July 16, 2014

Up until now Cosmopolitan Magazine has enjoyed an unchallenged monopoly on Sex Tip columns, but their tyranny ends today as Dorkarama humbly presents our inspirational guide, 5 Tips To Drive Your Man Insane In The Bedroom. If the spark has sizzled, if the heat has waned, if the bishop won’t stick his head out of his turtleneck, try our techniques for turning your boring, well-adjusted man into a lunatic of love.

 

Tease Him

In the words of the Spice Girls, tell him what you want, what you really really want. And that’s to ‘Zig-a-zig-ah.’ When he asks what that means, smile coyly and insist that he knows exactly what you mean. Refuse to explain further. Reject any and all subsequent advances with the words, ‘You’re doing it wrong again. I said I wanna Zig-a-zig-ah!!’

 

Zig-a-zig-ah. What could be clearer than that?

Zig-a-zig-ah. What could be clearer than that?

Stimulate His Taste Buds

Nothing adds flavour to an amorous encounter like food play in the boudoir. Smear yourself in Brie that has been left to soften in the sun. The ripe aroma will stimulate his senses in unexpected ways. This is best timed for the nights when you’re at his place.

The only thing softer than the cheese will be between his legs

The only thing softer than the cheese will be hanging between his legs

Unleash Your Fantasies

Dressing for pleasure always adds a fashion frisson to your frolicking. Slip out of the room promising to change into something more comfortable. Return dressed as the clown from Stephen King’s IT, if possible brandishing a knife. He won’t fall asleep on you tonight.

 

Fear - the ultimate aphrodisiac? We're going to gamble and say yes. Yes it is.

Fear – the ultimate aphrodisiac? We’re going to gamble and say yes. Yes it is.

Set The Mood

Establishing the right tone will help your lover let his guard down so you can really get under his skin. Arrange lighted candles in the shape of a pentagram and insist that Behemoth’s album ‘The Satanist’ is the perfect music to get you in the mood. Play it so loud you have to shriek in each other’s face to be understood. He’ll have to get up close and personal now.

Catch Him Off Guard

Routine is the enemy of eroticism. Try taking him by surprise by loudly reciting from memory entire passages from Mein Kampf in the original German during foreplay, gesticulating wildly throughout.

 

No One Can Resist The Fuhrer of Love

No One Can Resist The Fuhrer of Love

Congratulations, you are on your way to leading your man into the uncharted lands of erotic madness and unbridled passion. Enjoy the trip!

Like, y’know?

July 1, 2014

What

Never A Judge A Man Until…

June 29, 2014

WalkInHisShoes

Support Numeracy

June 12, 2014

percentages

Words to live by

June 10, 2014

BeKind

Ghost In The Machine

February 19, 2014

At the risk of gross generalisation, British sci fi is typically cast in a much gloomier hue than it’s American cousin. Think of American comic books, dominated by superheroes out to save the world, epitomised by Superman, known as both the Man of Steel and the Man of Tomorrow. It’s all very optimistic, the promise of a brighter future and bold, brave heroes fighting for truth and justice. The UK’s flagship comic is 2000AD, home to an array of dystopian visions of the future, from the fascist super-cop Judge Dredd, to the downbeat adventures of Strontium Dog or The ABC Warriors. In this vein of dysfunctional sci fi comes The Machine, a film produced in the unlikeliest of science fiction settings – Wales.

In my professional opinion, I can say with absolute certainty that you have a very nasty boo-boo indeed.

In my professional opinion, I can say with absolute certainty that you have a very nasty boo-boo indeed.

Written and directed by Caradog James (great Welsh name that, Caradog), The Machine is a typically bleak British piece of sci fi in which the promise of a technologically advanced future leads to despair. Set in the near future Vincent McCarthy (Toby Stephens) works for the Ministry of Defence trying to create intelligent machines, capable of independent thought. His aims are altruistic, to use technology to help soldiers who have suffered brain damage in war and those afflicted by degenerative diseases. Of course, the MOD, personified in the form of McCarthy’s cold-blooded boss Thomson (Denis Lawson), thinks only of offensive applications. The culmination of Stephens’ research is The Machine (Caity Lotz), an android in the form of a young woman whose appearance is modelled on Stephens’ assistant Ava (Lotz again). Thomson sees The Machine as a weapon, but Stephens worries that her apparent self-awareness means that The Machine is alive and not just an incredibly advanced computer in human guise.

Sure, it looked cool, but this modern art stuff confused McCarthy. Couldn't they put a nice painting in the office?

Sure, it looked cool, but this modern art stuff confused McCarthy. Couldn’t they put a nice painting in the office?

The Machine touches on some classic sci fi and cyberpunk themes – at what point does a machine with AI become a living being? If you can capture a human’s memories, thoughts and personalities in a computer, what is the essence of humanity? These ideas have been explored before in everything from Blade Runner/Do Androids Dream Electric Sheep to Ghost In The Shell but Caradog James digs deep into this central dilemma of the narrowing divide between humans and machines.

Caity Lotz is impressive as The Machine in a role that demands moments of vulnerability and innocence balanced against a very powerful physicality. With a background in dance, Lotz carries herself with self-assured grace and performs her fight scenes with speed and skill, although these are few as this is a drama more than an action movie. Stephens has a difficult task. McCarthy is emotionally brittle and a bundle of tension, which makes him difficult to sympathise with or to warm to. As Thomson, Denis Lawson is obviously the villain of the hour, so some points for style but none for subtlety. Pooneh Hajimohammadi is diverting as Suri, one of the staff in the MOD’s research facility, even if her dialogue is incomprehensible (which is deliberate), and greater development of the subplot around her character would have been welcome.

Now you're just showing off, young lady.

Now you’re just showing off, young lady.

The soundtrack is all synthesisers, which is both thematically appropriate – it’s all music made artificially without natural sound sources – and brings to mind the 1980s, particularly the films of John Carpenter whose self-composed film scores were always dominated by synthesisers. They also create a gloomy, downtrodden atmosphere. There are no soaring orchestras or bright guitars here, it’s all oppressive, cold electronics to match the mood.

TheMachine_01

Given that the film originated in Wales, land of song and valleys, it doesn’t boast a blockbuster’s budget but James and his team create a compelling world within the confines of McCarthy’s research facility. The visual effects on The Machine herself are impressive and moments when the limits of the budget are apparent – the avoidance of external locations being the most obvious – are easily forgiven as the gloomy interiors suit the story and add to a sense of claustrophobia. This is a film that replaces a big budget with big ideas which makes it a welcome contrast to standard sci fi summer blockbuster junk like the Transformers franchise or The Avengers (yes, The Avengers was fun and entertaining, but it was about as deep as a puddle in a drought). The pacing is measured – again anathema to Hollywood – but if the story engages your grey matter, it should have no trouble holding your attention. And, perhaps best and most British of all, The Machine offers a wickedly ambiguous, conflicted conclusion. The Machine will infect anyone who takes their sci fi smart, sharp and edged with darkness.

Only two things are infinite…

January 5, 2014

Einstein

The Secret Life Of Introverts (And Walter Mitty)

December 29, 2013

The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty

Walter Mitty (Ben Stiller) is a Negative Asset Manager at Life Magazine in New York. He lives a quiet existence of carefully cataloguing and processing photographs, a monotony that he escapes with vivid daydreams so consuming that he completely tunes out the world around him while lost in his fantasies. On the same day that Walter learns that Life Magazine’s new owners are wrapping up the print edition and going online, he receives a roll of film from famed photographer Sean O’Connell (Sean Penn) with a note saying that image #25 on the roll should be the cover of the final issue. Unfortunately, #25 is missing from the negative so Walter sets out to track down O’Connell in the hopes of finding the photograph.

Ben Stiller The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty

Stiller’s film is adapted from a short story that was previously brought to the screen in the 1947 movie starring Danny Kaye. The fantasy elements dominate the first chunk but as Walter sets out on his mission to find the missing negative, he slowly stops daydreaming and becomes immersed in the world around him. At the start, Walter is very much an introvert. He is quiet, struggles with small talk and idle chitchat but has a vibrant inner life that is invisible to the people around him. He has a crush on a co-worker at Life Magazine, Cheryl Melhoff (Kristen Wiig) but struggles to reach out to her socially and becomes the butt of jokes from Ted Hendricks (Adam Scott), the corporate shark sent in to oversee the buyout of Life and the laying off of staff.

Introverts are a rare breed in the movies, where extroverts are the norm. Quiet people are generally shown as being either creepy or as someone who needs to ‘come out of their shell’ (a phrase every introvert will have heard all too often). In a pleasant surprise, Stiller’s movie avoids the temptation to transform Walter from introvert to social butterfly. Certainly, he becomes more confident as his adventure unfolds, but he remains softly spoken and unassuming. His understated progression is expressed through the development of his online dating profile. At the outset, he has left most of his profile blank, believing he has not been anywhere or done anything interesting but his globe-trotting quest to track down O’Connell slowly but surely changes his mind as he realises his own worth. It’s refreshing to see a film in which the protagonist’s development, his coming into his own, is not linked with a change in their personality but instead with a greater sense of self-acceptance.

01

The plot twist concerning the location of the missing negative is easy to see coming well in advance, but that’s not the point of the movie. It’s not about ‘Where’s the missing photograph?’ It’s about Walter embracing the opportunities he encounters and reaching out to the people that he meets. It could be argued he is coming out of his shell, but perhaps he is simply taking his shell out to see the world.

The often elaborate fantasy sequences seem like Stiller has made a proof of concept reel to demonstrate he can handle special effects and spectacle, as if he’s auditioning to direct a superhero blockbuster for next summer. However while Walter’s daydreams are fun – the Benjamin Button parody is spot on – the story resonates most powerfully when Walter is doing not dreaming. The relationship with Cheryl is handled with a refreshing low-key approach for a Hollywood movie – there’s no heavy handed melodrama or overblown true romance in their scenes together. Stiller’s performance is naturalistic, with none of the outlandish caricatures of Zoolander or Dodgeball, and similarly Wiig is charming without needing to be zany.

03

The locations and photography are beautiful – well worth seeing on a big screen – and in contrast to Stiller’s earlier film The Cable Guy which offered a more cynical, twisted take on the world, The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty exudes warmth, optimism and a wide-eyed wonder at the possibilities that Life can offer when least expected. And introverts rule. They just don’t like to talk about it.

5 Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be Dead

November 2, 2013

The path to true love can be a winding one, but what if right when you think you’ve found ‘the one’ he stops responding to your advances? Before you start worrying that maybe he bats for the home team, first of all check he’s still actually among the living. If you’re not sure about your special someone, use this handy checklist and, chances are, it might just resuscitate your love life!

1. He’s lost his appetite

Before you go into mourning, it could be he's just not a morning person

Before you go into mourning, it could be he’s just not a morning person

One of the things you love about this guy is his hearty appetite. Like your mama always said, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but lately he seems to be leaving an awful lot of leftovers. If he’s having trouble finishing – and starting – his meals, there’s a chance he might have expired like last week’s yoghurt.

2. He’s not making eye contact

The eyes are the window to the soul, but it may be time to draw the curtains.

The eyes are the window to the soul, but it may be time to draw the curtains.

The eyes are the windows of the soul and what girl doesn’t like to gaze into her sweetheart’s limpid pools during moments of shared intimacy or when trying to figure out if he’s lying to you about checking out that girl’s butt on the bus? But if he’s just staring blankly ahead into space, something might be wrong. Don’t panic, he might just be trying to remember all the words to the theme song from Animaniacs, but it could mean it’s time to close his eyes…forever.

3. His recent work performance is sub-par

He'll never get that promotion at this rate.

He’ll never get that promotion at this rate.

Every girl wants a man who’s a go-getter, someone with drive and the ambition to succeed, but what if the guy you’ve set your sights on seems to be slacking off at the office? When your dreamboat stops bringing home the bacon and starts smelling like a butcher’s dumpster, it could mean he’s de-motivated or he might be dead weight in the corporate and corporeal senses.

4. He hasn’t updated his Facebook in forever

Don't start wearing bacl just yet, perhaps he's just recovering from an overstimulating Powerpoint presentation?

Don’t start wearing black just yet, perhaps he’s just recovering from an overstimulating Powerpoint presentation?

One of the great things about our modern, interconnected world is that it super easy to get to know your favourite guy just by checking out his social media presence. You can Google his name, have a look around his Facebook and find out what he’s having for lunch on Twitter. But if he hasn’t updated his status since that one three days ago about ‘Uncomfortable chest pains, probably just indigestion from that chilli LOL’ then there’s a small but significant chance that he’s logged out of this life and into the next one.

5. He hasn’t replied to your texts/calls/voicemails

Maybe his battery is flat, not his heart rate.

Maybe his battery is flat, not his heart rate.

Sending someone special a text at well-timed intervals throughout the day is a great way to let them know they’re on your mind. It’s a subtle hint to tell the guy that’s he’s that extra little bit important. But if he doesn’t text or call you back right away, don’t send him the angriest emoticon in your arsenal right off the bat. He might be in an area with bad reception but if he’s in the same room as you and still not responding to his phone, there’s an outside chance that his number has been disconnected permanently.

Music Review – Kacey Musgraves, Shepherd’s Bush, London

October 13, 2013

This Sunday night I saw Kacey Musgraves perform at the Shepherd’s Bush Empire in London as she’s out on the road with her Same Trailer Different Park tour. It was the second time I’ve seen her live. The first time, last year, was at the smaller Bush Hall, just around the corner from the Empire. Then Kacey had a barebones group backing her up, many of whom were London musicians filling in for the night, with her British tour manager sitting in on drums on a few songs. In the intimate environment of Bush Hall and with unfamiliar faces around her on stage, Kacey rose to the occasion. Knowing that she was going to have to do most of the heavy lifting, musically speaking, for the evening, she was fully engaged with her material and with the audience. It was a performance filled with Kacey’s easygoing charm but she sang with some passion.

Tonight at the Empire, Kacey still had her laidback vibe but this time she had brought her full band of Nashville pros to back her up. The difference was considerable. These guys were seasoned professionals who know the music inside-out and, to be honest, while they never played a bum note all night, they mostly looked bored. The London players from last year, no doubt all too aware that the material was new to them, had an energy that the regulars didn’t match. Kacey-Musgraves

Kacey’s whole shtick on stage is built around that easygoing persona but since her last time here, she has been nominated for a slew of CMA awards back in the States and has been on TV and radio here in the UK (quite a feat for a country artist), and any sense of a young musician out to prove herself was noticeable by its absence. She coasted through the set and it felt like she was going through the motions. Perhaps I’ve been spoiled. A few months ago I saw Holly Williams in London and she gave one of the most heartfelt performances I’ve seen from a singer in any genre. When Holly sang her beautiful ode to her grandparents, Waiting On June, she scarcely managed to keep her composure. It was riveting. Kacey seems like an emotional and vocal lightweight by comparison, the latter point driven home by an ill-considered attempt to cover I Put A Spell On You, sung with no trace of the deranged menace of Screaming Jay Hawkins or the gutsy bravado of John Fogerty. In Kacey’s hands, it became dangerously inoffensive, which sums up the whole evening. It was slick and professional but disappointingly passionless.  Get your fire back, girl.


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