Archive for July, 2012

What sort of heavy metal am I listening to? Part 2

July 30, 2012

After the first installment of our continuing educational series, ‘What sort of heavy metal am I listening to?’, you should be confidently able to differentiate nu-metal from old school metal, which will hopefully help you avoid any social faux pas in the mosh pit. In part two, we will learn to tell the difference between metalcore and black metal, once again by paying particular attention to the lyrical content of the songs.


Metalcore lyric subjects:

No one knows how deeply sensitive I am, despite the fact I am screaming about it as loud as I can.

Our economic system is founded on inequality. I know, right? That sucks!

That girl who broke my heart will never know how deeply I feel the loss of her love, despite the fact that I am screaming about it as loud as I can.

I think the environment is, like, totally important!

Sometimes I don’t feel very positive about myself, but I don’t like to go on about it, despite the fact I am screaming about it as loud as I can.

All this ennui is killing me. Hence the screaming.


Black metal lyric subjects:

Hail Satan.


Remember friends, forewarned is forearmed. Print this list out and keep it with you for any situation where you might encounter metal in all its myriad forms.


What sort of heavy metal am I listening to?

July 24, 2012

We know it can be tricky to tell one heavy metal track or band from the next. They all feature outrageous guitar show offs, too much hair and pounding rhythms. But the simplest way to tell American nu-metal from old school European metal is by examining the subject of the song lyrics. Here’s a handy guide that will steer you true:


American nu-metal lyric subjects:

No one likes me.

No one understands me.

No one loves me.

I have a large automobile that is in no way, shape or form intended to distract from my alarmingly small penis.

I don’t care about ‘rules’ and ‘the system’, although at no point will I offer an intelligent alternative to our current socio-political-economic model

I enjoy beer. It might be piss-poor, weak American Light Beer, but that’s what I like.

People were mean to me when I was younger, but now I’m famous so I can hate you all from the high ground of financial security.

That said, whilst I do enjoy a comfortable standard of living due to lucrative merchandising endorsements, I should take it amiss should anyone suggest I am not ‘keeping it real’.

I oughta kick your ass. Right here, right now. Whoa, big fella! I meant musically. Jeezus. Relax, will ya?

I am, in the most general and non-specific way, opposed to being told what to do.


Old school European metal lyric subjects:

Vikings and why they are awesome.


Keep this handy at all times when listening to metal.