What sort of heavy metal am I listening to?

We know it can be tricky to tell one heavy metal track or band from the next. They all feature outrageous guitar show offs, too much hair and pounding rhythms. But the simplest way to tell American nu-metal from old school European metal is by examining the subject of the song lyrics. Here’s a handy guide that will steer you true:


American nu-metal lyric subjects:

No one likes me.

No one understands me.

No one loves me.

I have a large automobile that is in no way, shape or form intended to distract from my alarmingly small penis.

I don’t care about ‘rules’ and ‘the system’, although at no point will I offer an intelligent alternative to our current socio-political-economic model

I enjoy beer. It might be piss-poor, weak American Light Beer, but that’s what I like.

People were mean to me when I was younger, but now I’m famous so I can hate you all from the high ground of financial security.

That said, whilst I do enjoy a comfortable standard of living due to lucrative merchandising endorsements, I should take it amiss should anyone suggest I am not ‘keeping it real’.

I oughta kick your ass. Right here, right now. Whoa, big fella! I meant musically. Jeezus. Relax, will ya?

I am, in the most general and non-specific way, opposed to being told what to do.


Old school European metal lyric subjects:

Vikings and why they are awesome.


Keep this handy at all times when listening to metal.


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