5 Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be Dead

The path to true love can be a winding one, but what if right when you think you’ve found ‘the one’ he stops responding to your advances? Before you start worrying that maybe he bats for the home team, first of all check he’s still actually among the living. If you’re not sure about your special someone, use this handy checklist and, chances are, it might just resuscitate your love life!

1. He’s lost his appetite

Before you go into mourning, it could be he's just not a morning person

Before you go into mourning, it could be he’s just not a morning person

One of the things you love about this guy is his hearty appetite. Like your mama always said, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but lately he seems to be leaving an awful lot of leftovers. If he’s having trouble finishing – and starting – his meals, there’s a chance he might have expired like last week’s yoghurt.

2. He’s not making eye contact

The eyes are the window to the soul, but it may be time to draw the curtains.

The eyes are the window to the soul, but it may be time to draw the curtains.

The eyes are the windows of the soul and what girl doesn’t like to gaze into her sweetheart’s limpid pools during moments of shared intimacy or when trying to figure out if he’s lying to you about checking out that girl’s butt on the bus? But if he’s just staring blankly ahead into space, something might be wrong. Don’t panic, he might just be trying to remember all the words to the theme song from Animaniacs, but it could mean it’s time to close his eyes…forever.

3. His recent work performance is sub-par

He'll never get that promotion at this rate.

He’ll never get that promotion at this rate.

Every girl wants a man who’s a go-getter, someone with drive and the ambition to succeed, but what if the guy you’ve set your sights on seems to be slacking off at the office? When your dreamboat stops bringing home the bacon and starts smelling like a butcher’s dumpster, it could mean he’s de-motivated or he might be dead weight in the corporate and corporeal senses.

4. He hasn’t updated his Facebook in forever

Don't start wearing bacl just yet, perhaps he's just recovering from an overstimulating Powerpoint presentation?

Don’t start wearing black just yet, perhaps he’s just recovering from an overstimulating Powerpoint presentation?

One of the great things about our modern, interconnected world is that it super easy to get to know your favourite guy just by checking out his social media presence. You can Google his name, have a look around his Facebook and find out what he’s having for lunch on Twitter. But if he hasn’t updated his status since that one three days ago about ‘Uncomfortable chest pains, probably just indigestion from that chilli LOL’ then there’s a small but significant chance that he’s logged out of this life and into the next one.

5. He hasn’t replied to your texts/calls/voicemails

Maybe his battery is flat, not his heart rate.

Maybe his battery is flat, not his heart rate.

Sending someone special a text at well-timed intervals throughout the day is a great way to let them know they’re on your mind. It’s a subtle hint to tell the guy that’s he’s that extra little bit important. But if he doesn’t text or call you back right away, don’t send him the angriest emoticon in your arsenal right off the bat. He might be in an area with bad reception but if he’s in the same room as you and still not responding to his phone, there’s an outside chance that his number has been disconnected permanently.

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