Posts Tagged ‘Brie’

How To Drive Your Man Insane In The Bedroom

July 16, 2014

Up until now Cosmopolitan Magazine has enjoyed an unchallenged monopoly on Sex Tip columns, but their tyranny ends today as Dorkarama humbly presents our inspirational guide, 5 Tips To Drive Your Man Insane In The Bedroom. If the spark has sizzled, if the heat has waned, if the bishop won’t stick his head out of his turtleneck, try our techniques for turning your boring, well-adjusted man into a lunatic of love.

 

Tease Him

In the words of the Spice Girls, tell him what you want, what you really really want. And that’s to ‘Zig-a-zig-ah.’ When he asks what that means, smile coyly and insist that he knows exactly what you mean. Refuse to explain further. Reject any and all subsequent advances with the words, ‘You’re doing it wrong again. I said I wanna Zig-a-zig-ah!!’

 

Zig-a-zig-ah. What could be clearer than that?

Zig-a-zig-ah. What could be clearer than that?

Stimulate His Taste Buds

Nothing adds flavour to an amorous encounter like food play in the boudoir. Smear yourself in Brie that has been left to soften in the sun. The ripe aroma will stimulate his senses in unexpected ways. This is best timed for the nights when you’re at his place.

The only thing softer than the cheese will be between his legs

The only thing softer than the cheese will be hanging between his legs

Unleash Your Fantasies

Dressing for pleasure always adds a fashion frisson to your frolicking. Slip out of the room promising to change into something more comfortable. Return dressed as the clown from Stephen King’s IT, if possible brandishing a knife. He won’t fall asleep on you tonight.

 

Fear - the ultimate aphrodisiac? We're going to gamble and say yes. Yes it is.

Fear – the ultimate aphrodisiac? We’re going to gamble and say yes. Yes it is.

Set The Mood

Establishing the right tone will help your lover let his guard down so you can really get under his skin. Arrange lighted candles in the shape of a pentagram and insist that Behemoth’s album ‘The Satanist’ is the perfect music to get you in the mood. Play it so loud you have to shriek in each other’s face to be understood. He’ll have to get up close and personal now.

Catch Him Off Guard

Routine is the enemy of eroticism. Try taking him by surprise by loudly reciting from memory entire passages from Mein Kampf in the original German during foreplay, gesticulating wildly throughout.

 

No One Can Resist The Fuhrer of Love

No One Can Resist The Fuhrer of Love

Congratulations, you are on your way to leading your man into the uncharted lands of erotic madness and unbridled passion. Enjoy the trip!

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